Context is everything - how to help people be who they can't help being.

One of the communication challenges we struggle with most is what to pay attention to when listening to someone speak. It is too easy to be hijacked by the content of what they say and go down a rabbit hole.

I struggled with this until during a Master Practitioner Neuro Linguistic Programming session, the trainer announced that the content of what people said was just noise — what was important was the context within which it was said. This puzzled me at the time, but now I know what he meant.

When we are faced with a challenge we are inclined to apply ourselves to the nuts and bolts of it. In the workplace, this tendency is amplified by the pressure from above to get results.

When I first meet a client they are usually preoccupied with solving a problem and if I’m not vigilant, I too can be drawn into this problem-solving. After all it’s pretty compelling…who doesn’t want to find immediate answers? But the solution doesn’t lie there.

The reality is that there isn’t just one answer. There are many and trying ever harder to access them from the problem-solving perspective doesn’t work well. Something completely different needs to happen; something that interrupts the problem-solving process and provides a whole new perspective.

For example, recently, when I was asked to work with a newly promoted director in an insurance company who had previously been a technical head. The CEO wasn’t sure if he had made the right decision inviting him to join the senior leadership team and my client had six months to prove himself. Needless to say, he was preoccupied by how to convince the CEO that he had made the right decision. He was very good at his job, but to perform effectively in his new role, he had to shift his perspective from that of trying to meet expectations to that of considering the bigger question of what he was bringing to the table.

Who was it that he couldn’t help being? What was needed at this moment?

At our first meeting, he told me that at the beginning of his career he had wanted to be an actor. That fact hinted at an imagination. I asked him to imagine that if he was the leader he would love to be, what two words would describe his leadership style?

With little hesitation he said, Galvanising Leader so I asked him to tell me what a galvanising leader would do. As he readily shared the actions he would feel compelled to take in his new role, his eyes lit up with excitement! I just listened as he continued to connect the leadership context with this current circumstances. I could see he was unable to help being this leader.

Now instead of looking at how to please the CEO, we were on the exciting journey of considering what a galvanising leader could offer the company. He was full of ideas about how to move forward with both immediate and long term plans; it was all there waiting to be tapped. Suddenly, he was someone with something to offer and somewhere to go with it.

This was the context in which his life and career occurred and this was what was informing his actions — not the immediate problem I had been hired to help him solve.

It doesn’t matter what the transition is that an individual wants to make — finding a new job, changing career, or transitioning into retirement — all require connecting back to the context of who you are and where you are going in your life. The rest is content.

Broaching Coaching: How to have an enrolment conversation

'They could really do with some coaching'.
How many times have you heard this comment, often made with an air of frustration.

As an executive coach who enjoys being a sounding board for my clients I often have conversations with people in my network about someone they know who could benefit from coaching. When I offer a one off conversation to help their colleague to think things through, they enthusiastically agree to make an introduction but the expected introduction seldom materialises. Why?

Having followed up a number of these potential introductions, I find that invariably, the reason I haven't heard from the person concerned, was because my contact has been unsure how to initiate the conversation. They are not alone, discomfort about how to begin this much needed exchange, is very common. There is a fear that the person concerned might regard their intervention as criticism. However, contrary to what is commonly assumed, this conversation isn't so much about pointing out that something is wrong, as developing the skill of enrolling someone/anyone into a new possibility. By this, I mean starting where they are and opening up more options.

How many potentially difficult conversations have we avoided where, had we known how to go about them, would have made themmuch easier to initiate. This blog is for those of you who know someone you think is stuck, struggling or isolated. My intention is that by the end of this blog you will have a structured approach to having an erolment conversation that will leave the other person feeling well served and you, experiencing the satisfaction of opening a door for them that was previously closed. At worst they will get an opportunity to be fully heard and at best, they will see new possibilities. They won't forget you took the trouble to do that for them.

You can have this conversation in 5 easy steps

Step 1. Put yourself in their shoes.

It may be obvious to you that someone needs help in changing their mindset. Perhaps they need to be more confident or perhaps the third party feedback you have received suggests they need to be more self aware. It may be they are alienating their team or not performing well. But please remember, however that person is behaving, they are doing their best. No really. If they knew how to behave differently, they would. So don't rush to judgement, know that there are good reasons for their behaviour and what is missing for them is the space to stand back and acknowledge what the current situation actually is, without being judged. Even if they are surprised at one level, it will also be a relief because deep down they know something is not working.

Step 2. Initiate a conversation

Take an interest. Ask how things are going. Listen for openings to ask more questions. In the single minded obsession with business results, we forget the need for the time to lay our thinking out so we can stand back and realise what matters to us and what doesn't. This knowledge is the context for our everyday challenges. In one way Covid19 was a blessing, it forced us to stop and ask questions. Questions like, ‘Why am I doing this’, ‘Is this all there is’? Coaches were very busy! Bottom line, we all want to be seen for who we are and taking the time to hear how someone else’s world looks, is already a gift.

This exercise can also provide a learning opportunity for you. It is a very revealing but also a challenging, exercise. To ask anyone how things are going and listen without interruption until the other person has nothing else to say, sounds simple but believe me it's really difficult. I did it with my mother and was amazed by what I learned about what was important to her, that didn’t know.

Step 3. Find out what their why is

Ask them about the vision they have for themselves, assuming things turn out in the best possible way. How would they love their life to look? What are they working towards? Everyone has a reason for doing the things they do even if it isn’t an especially inspiring one. If you find out more about a person's motivation you have the key to what drives them. What are they trying to achieve? How important is it to them? If things go according to plan what will their future look like? Keep asking until they get excited , if they do, then you know you are on the right track.

Step 4. Ask about progress

How is it going? Are they happy with their current progress? This question is pivotal as it encourages a more conscious awareness for them of what is actually happening. What we really think can easily be buried under the persistent pressures of work and home. Although sometimes painful, the gain is in acknowledging our dissatisfaction and asking ourselves, if not this then what? People won't share this unless they believe you really want to hear so be present and offer genuine empathy. Sharing their experience with you, will allow them to hear it themselves. This reality testing is vital if you are going to take the next step.

If where they currently are does not match where they would like to be, ask them to consider what it would be like in 5 years time if they were to continue in the same way. This is often something they have been avoiding thinking about but at the same time they know it's something that needs to be faced. You as a sympathetic listener, will afford them an rare opportunity to contemplate their future choices. Their answer will tell you a lot about their degree of dissatisfaction. You can ask them to rate their level of satisfaction from 1-10.

Step 5. Assess their need for support
On a scale of 1-10 where 1 is low and 10 is high if they are a 7 or above then they are more likley to be open to an offer of help. If lower than that they are probably not motivated enough to benefit from a coaching relationship. You can check this out by asking if they think they can remedy the situation alone or whether they might value some help.
If the answer is yes to help, you have an opening to offer it but not otherwise.

Step 5. If it's a yes.

If they recognise they are unable to successfully put themselves take the next step in the journey they see for themselves long term, ask if they have ever considered having a coach. They may or may not be open to the idea. If they are, you can share what you know about coaching. Maybe you have been coached yourself or you have been impressed with the difference you witnessed in a colleague in a coaching relationship.
If you’ve had a successful coaching experience yourself, you can share it. Your enthusiasm will inevitably communicate when you explain to them how it helped. If not you can share your knowledge of coaching and examples of people to whom it has made a noticeable difference. If they have stayed with you so far they are likely to pick up on your enthusiasm.

If it's a no. Accept that person's asssessment of their own need at this moment in time. It is crucially important not to get ahead of the person you are talking to. Nothing is lost. You have demonstrated your genuine interest in understanding more about their life and ambitions, and if nothing else there will now be more trust between you. If the conversation goes well it will have opened up an opportunity in the future to revisit. Good business is about building good relationships.

Conclusion
If you follow these steps you will be opening up an opportunity for both of you to think differently. Having a considered conversation in relaxed circumstances can be a transformational experience. Of course this may not happen but that person will not forget that you took an genuine interest in them and their future.